Wednesday 20 April 2011

Bingo!

 Martin Amis - he of the unfortunate phrase – has pronounced again.  He is shocked, appalled, depressed by the state of the nation. And he is writing a new novel, which reflects his disgust. According to the Guardian it’s  ‘the story of a violent criminal, Lionel Asbo, who wins the lottery, it's "a metaphor which translates well, I think, our state of moral decrepitude: a huge reward for no effort".  

Bingo! Join the party, Martin! My new book is about someone winning the lottery. It’s not a violent criminal called Lionel Asbo (Great name, Martin, Dickens would be proud), my winner is an ordinary schoolgirl called Lia Latimer. She wins £8 million and she’s thrilled to bits. Near enough, eh?
"You can have no talent, no ambition, and you win all the same. All young people dream of that. Young girls dream of becoming models. Celebrity is the new religion," said Amis. "So it's a book about the decline of my country, about the rage, the dissatisfaction, the bitterness, all unconscious, caused by this decline ... One can have the impression that life in London is pretty pleasant. But all is rotten inside."

Yes, indeed, Martin  young people dream of winning the lottery, I'm really hoping that lots of them will buy my book.  In fact many older people do as well. Actually I’d guess that the older you get and the more you realise that hard work and talent does not get you money, fame, security or recognition -  and you see the tosspots who do get these things, often through having family money, private education and useful connections (I mention no names, Martin, but not everyone gets to waltz into first jobs on the Times Literary Supplement) -  then you dream of winning the lottery all the more. Oh, and that bitterness you mention, is not all unconscious. Quite a lot of it is completely conscious.

 I’d also guess that it’s the richer people - those who live in Hampstead and Notting Hill, Martin -  who think that life in London is pretty pleasant. We celebrity-obsessed peasants know that mostly it’s crap. But ‘all is rotten inside’? All? All? That’s a bit harsh. Try walking through a London park, going to the theatre (pricey, I know, Mart, but I’m sure you can afford it), visiting our museums, art galleries. Try visiting London schools (not just the private ones) and meeting London kids. Truly Martin, all is not rotten, although the government are doing their best to shut lots of the good stuff down. Luckily there's a horrible old lottery to fund things like sport and the arts  or we'd really be in trouble.

Oh, hang on, Martin admits that not all is bad about England. The people are ‘tolerant, full of good humour’ (Just the readers to appreciate your jokes, eh?) and Shakespeare is "an absolute giant". I’m sure he’ll be absolutely delighted to hear it. Oh and then there’s the UK's "very advanced" political system. "We had a revolution 100 years before France, and our civil war was not so horrible."  Take heart, people of Egypt, Libya, Syria and Bahrain, it can be done, the not-so-horrible English way. (Just don’t mention Charles I)

Anyway, thrills, thrills, Martin and I have both written about the lottery. His book is about moral decrepitude. Mine is about gambling, risk-taking, growing up and the artificial legal limits attached to that process, finding meaning in life  -  and ambition - when you have nothing to gain in material terms, friendship and Facebook, religious values (Islam in particular) against the secular society,  sex, drink, debt, motorbikes, university funding cuts and cake. And cosmetic surgery. And there’s a family of vampires.  Or possibly werewolves.
Martin, I look forward to sharing a platform with you at various literary festivals. Lionel Asbo…damn, wish I’d thought of that. So subtle. 

16 comments:

  1. Great post, I laughed out loud. Who gets published first?

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  2. Love it. Can't wait to read your book - not so sure about his.

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  3. LOL at Lionel Asbo.

    Suggestions for other characters for Mr Amis:
    Leo Truant
    Bertrand Graffiti
    Nigel Juvenile-Offenders-Unit

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  4. Oh Keren, utterly brilliant! Will definitely be reading your book and not Amis's - after all, those of us who actually think and are in touch know that children's and young adult literature is the superior literary form in this age of "moral decrepitude"...

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  5. I loved this post, Keren, and your previous one about Martin Amis. My feeling is that possibly his last novel wasn't an unqualified success (some pretty ambivilent reviews) and he is trying to get some publicity for it. Banging on about Muslims/ children's lit/ the dreadfulness of young people is a fabulous way of getting column inches in the Hate Mail and Torygraph and dissenting voices talking about him in the Guardian.

    This is what I wrote about his children's literature comments: http://ali-fantasticreads.blogspot.com/2011/02/what-is-martin-amis-reading.html

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  6. Brilliant post! Could never finish a Martin Amis book, myself!

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  7. I cannot wait for your book to come out! Good post.

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  8. Great post! I know which of the two books I'm going to read. (Clue: I have read a Martin Amis and hated it, but I did really enjoy When I was Joe.)

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  9. Looking forward to reading your book but think I will give Martin A-miss!

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  10. Hi lovely Keren. I'm writing about a 'young girl who dreams of becoming a model' - well, she doesn't dream about it, but it happens. I, too, look forward to sharing more literary platforms with Mart when he brings out his next book about Selena Slag. Mind you, it's for children, so he'd need to have that serious brain injury first ...

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  11. What a truly worthy retort to a tired old reactionary. Bore off Martin ...rock on Karen!

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  12. Hilarious, Keren! But pointed too. Love that subtle name.

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  13. Oh Keren, so cutting! Don't you realise that Martin Amis is a persecuted minority group too? At least, we should hope he's in the minority.

    Is it too late to catch your novel before it goes to press? Surely a quick search and replace from Lia Latimer to Lia Lucky-Six-Numbers-Plus-The-Bonus-Ball would be in order?

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  14. @Nick Just contacting editor to see if it's too late to go for Lia Lottery-Winner. Or just good old plain Lia New-Money.

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  15. Lionel Asbo? Amis may as well have gone with Lionel Chavster or Lionel Nobhead!

    He's right about Jordan though.

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